August 5, 2012: 5 weeks 1 day

So we went camping this past weekend. Little bouts of nausea here and there, but nothing horrible. The tiredness though is already setting in. Saturday afternoon I was so tired I layed down in the trailer and took a nap. I never take naps. But this one did me good.

Aversions - I have been having a harder time with sweet foods, loving the fresh produce and savory. Caprese salads still too - weird. And my favorite salted caramel ice cream? AB brought it to me in the trailer last night and after three bites I thought I was going to be sick. Strange.

So I did make a phone call on Thursday and told my good friend who I work closely with. I needed to tell him why I couldn't go in and work on the pyrolysis products. And once I told him I was expecting I was happy that he immediately said, "no way can you go in and work on that!" I wasn't just being overly paranoid.

We talked a little more - about like that I won't be going to New Orleans in early April to accept our third award for our work. (He isn't sure he will go to Orlando in November to help accept our second award since his wife is expecting in January.) Then we talked logistics of baby stuff - how long they might need some of the baby items before handing them back to us.

Though he is one of my closest coworkers/friends it was very difficult to tell him I was pregnant. And it still feels a little weird that aside from AB and I, that he is the only other person who knows. We are in theory waiting to tell everyone until after the 8 week appointment... though there could be circumstances that pop up before and we won't deny it!

I am looking for a clever way to tell friends and family. I need to look around for ideas...

August 1, 2012: 4 weeks 4 days

So I just got a notice in my work e-mail that they will be painting in the building in the coming weeks. Nope, I am not worried about the paint fumes affecting the baby, I am worried about them affecting me and my nausea. Lovely.

Ok, so 4 weeks and 4 days along apparently. I have been a bit nauseated off and on. Pretty much all the time, I at least feel like my stomach is sitting in my throat. Sometimes worse than others. Biggest symptom so far though is the nose. I can smell EVERYTHING. Just like the last two pregnancies.

So I did go back and read my pregnancy blog from Skadi. Wow, I was right, she was a girl and she would torment me – in utero and in life! I also laugh about my cravings – chicken fingers and serious aversion to vegetables. Hello do you know my daughter? Seriously now.

No food aversions yet, though I am finding I am just not starved. But I am having a serious tomato craving – Caprese salad please. I am finding a farmer’s market tonight and hopefully grabbing some fresh heirloom tomatoes. Must have them.

Lots of questions and thoughts – like, oh my goodness I need a new car. We are thinking about finding out the gender this time so we can prepare. We loved not knowing with Leif and Skadi. But this time (not that it really did before) gender doesn’t matter. We have supplies for both and knowing gender earlier will enable us to move kids’ rooms, get rid of one entire set of gender clothing, and will be a neat way to bring the kids in to it. Knowing the gender ahead of time may help with any potential disappointment on their ends. (From conversation a few weeks ago – they both want a brother.)

Both kids right now are really into asking about babies, seeing babies (Skadi really, not Leif) and asking about their behaviors while in utero. Really kind of strange actually that this has picked up.

We don’t really have plans to tell people yet. In fact, it has lately become more of an issue of how not to tell people. Like how do I tell my coworkers that I cannot go clean out the pyrolysis products on that piece of equipment because I am paranoid of fumes? Or how do I tell one of my closest friends that pregnant women aren’t allowed on the water slide? (Thank you Skadi for BEGGING me to take her into the water NOW!)

One of my good friends I work with is expecting #3 in January and has some of our baby stuff. And in fact, we just talked about it on Friday when he asked if he could purchase the items. I said no – he could have them and if by some miracle I ended up pregnant, return them then. Well ummm… I kind of hate to pull it back, but we should talk about this so we can figure out who gets to buy a new cosleeper…

And 19 months later...

I tested positive today.

19 months ago we decided to try for #3.

It didn't happen.

7 months ago we decided to surrender.

3 months ago I decided to start getting rid of baby stuff.

I spent the last month and a half sorting through everything remaining that I hadn't gotten rid of already related to baby and labeling it all for a garage sale to happen in exactly 12 days.

And then I got my positive this morning.

It was a surprise - and then it wasn't.

Sore breasts - just like I was getting my period. Then the period didn't come. Then at day 27 of my cycle (yesterday) I woke up nauseated and stayed nauseated all day.

This morning I woke up nauseated and stayed nauseated.

It had to be a bug - because I didn't start getting sick with Skadi until I was 6 weeks along. Then I was oh so very, very sick.

Oh and then there's the test. Very positive. With the other two I didn't get positives until well after my period was due. Strong positive before my period is due?

I am scared!

So much is going through my mind right now.

Happy. Scared. Nervous.

I think I am more nervous with this one then the other two.

And if you know me and you are reading this. Mums the word for a little longer.

Starting on 10

Today starts month 10 of trying. 10. Double digits.

Truly I didn't think I would be here. And then of course I thought FOR SURE it would be this month.

It is amazing how I can get my hopes up every single month.

This is the first month that AB has really been questioning his resolve to continue this path of trying for another. He said to me the other day, "do you realize that means we would be 58 when this child would graduate?"

And how old will we be in 18 years if we don't have a child? 58.

I have the resolve, I think, to keep on through the end of the calendar year. Though I have to admit that the coincidence of that timing with my 40th birthday could be a bit trying. I guess I keep thinking that as long as I have little bitty ones I am not old, right?

And my youngest isn't so bitty anymore. She talks back. That's not bitty.

I am trying to wrap my head around the notion of getting rid of the baby clothes. And baby stuff. While the thought of all that extra storage space is appealing, I just cannot wrap my head around parting with it.

Because cycle 10 is the lucky one!

Month 8

Hmm, so I guess this would be month 8 then...

Yeah nothing on that front.

I told a friend of mine who visited 2 weeks ago that the longer this drags out the less concerned I am with adding to the family as opposed to with my first, when I became more paranoid with each passing month. I guess as the kids both get more independent (i.e., I am sitting here on the computer, Leif is playing Wii, Skadi is watching a movie) it is more of a lifestyle I am willing to stick with.

Then I see the itty bitty-ness of cute babies and thing again.

I want a baby. I want to add another little person to our family. I am not ready to kiss goodbye to the little clothes, the nursing, even the sleepless nights and money dedicated to daycare bills.

But if it isn't meant to be then I am ok.

Really. I am.

I think.

Chemical Pregnancy

5 months of trying finally resulted in a positive pregnancy test (confirmed by my husband) on the day my period was due, followed up the next day by a faintly positive pregnancy test. On the third day, a negative pregnancy test. The next day, my period arrived, three days late.

The term for this phenomenon is "chemical pregnancy". A positive pregnancy test early in the pregnancy with the period arriving shortly thereafter.

I am fine. AB asked me a few times if I am fine. I only had 2 days of thinking I was pregnant and wondering how I was going to explain not drinking next weekend at the cabin with family.

Onto cycle 6. I am wondering how long we will go at this. I truly am fine with what God gives us. And I worry a bit about being pregnant again. Wonder if I am not getting too old for this? But I do so want the end result - a snuggly little baby wrapped in the receiving blanket in my arms.

We will see.

Five Months

Moving onto month 5. Yep, month 5. I have to admit that at this point my belief that we will actually conceive another child is wavering.

The past month or so I have also been questioning whether this path is the *right* one. Things are pretty good right now. Everyone is sleeping (most of the time). We don’t have a lot of illnesses. A good friend of mine has twin 5 month old daughters and it seems that every week one of them is sick and he and his wife are balancing their schedules. And I ask myself if I really want to go back to that. Life is awfully nice right now where everyone speaks the same language and can convey their needs.

And then something switches.

Last week I took Leif to the doctor’s office. We walked in and he held out his hand for my phone to play Battleship while we waited instead of wandering over to the kid’s corner with the big plastic toys.

“Don’t you want to go play with the toys?” I ask. (I am in denial that age 7 is happening this summer.)

He rolls his eyes at me.

“Please, phone mom?” he replies.

I hand it over.

Then I look around instead of picking up a magazine. Babies everywhere. Helpless little cute bundles of joy snuggling with moms. Everywhere.

(I ignored the rambunctious, uncontrollable 18 month old in the kids toys.)

Yep, still on this path.

AB and I talked about it a little last night. We talked about at what point do we accept what God has given us and go forward with a family of four? Maybe the end of the summer. Maybe our 40th birthdays. I don’t have an answer to that. I know it isn’t going to just keep going on. I will reach a point where I am not wanting