AB and I always envisioned having at least three kids. There were times I suggested four, and times (after arguing with his siblings) he pushed to two. But we always kind of settled on three in the end.
Our first two kids arrived reasonably within the set out plan. It took about 13 months to conceive Leif. I was somewhat lucky in that journey - I didn't suffer miscarriages like some of my friends did. And I had a supportive doctor who helped us negotiate the path. About the point we were ready to give in to the next step to conception, the stick turned pink. I was pregnant and we were ecstatic and very nervous.
When Leif was 2.5 years old we knew that if we wanted to stick to the plan to have three we needed to keep going. And we wanted to keep going. Leif was running and I was ready for a baby to snuggle. Two months after making the decision to start trying again the stick turned pink. I was no longer terribly nervous. I had been through this once before and I was too busy with my little boy to be terribly nervous. It was old hat!
Our plan had been to give it another 2.5 years and go for #3. Then real life set in.
Skadi was a difficult baby who just recently (knock on wood) started sleeping through the night consistently. She has pushed us and challenged us. And everyone experienced around us who knows her well told us, "it's just her personality". Nothing is wrong with her. But she is forever going to be pushing the limits. One of the doctor's I asked for advice from reminded me, "I would rather have a boisterous little girl who stands up for herself then a shrinking violet". True.
Still the sleepless night and her trying temperment caused us to put off, just for a little bit until things get better, trying for a third.
Then my mom was stricken with cancer. As her health continued to decline I knew that I could not face a pregnancy and bringing a baby into the world when my tears dominated my life.
Then my mom passed away from cancer. I still couldn't face the prospect of a baby. Skadi was full on in her terrible threes. And we were at that date that AB and I had said we needed to be trying if we wanted our three children. Our three children that we had bought a new car to hold and a new house to fill.
Slowly over the past few months things have changed a bit.
I remember my mom always being so happy knowing that we wanted three children. She told me that one of her regrets was only having two kids. I used to joke - years ago - that she was young enough to have another. She would look at me and roll her eyes and tell me she was saving her energy for lots of grandchildren.
Another aspect that has been tough for me to reconcile is the notion that my mom passed away at a young age and there is a chance that the same could happen to me. They don't know what causes the cancer my mom has, but there are a few incidences out there where genetics has played a part. Is genetics a factor? Will I fall the same fate? Would I pass it on to my children? Would they suffer loss? Or death to cancer?
These are tough thoughts to think about as a mom with already two children.
AB kept reminding me that people are living longer and longer, a lot of strides are being made in cancer research and truly, you just never know. Something could happen to us tomorrow.
A good friend of mine told me his wife was pregnant with twins a few weeks after my mom passed away. I loved the weekly reports on how she was doing. I did my best to support him when she had complications. I like to think I was there for him to lean on. Then the day his two daughters were born very prematurely in December I sobbed with joy and loaded them up with food and whatever baby supplies I could pawn off on them. Seeing the joy, despite the exhaustion, in his eyes is fantastic.
Slowly I began to think about the options. We DID want three... my mom would want us to have three regardless of her being physically present... I believe she is spiritually present and whispering in my ear that it will be ok...
I finally admitted to AB last month that I was leaning this way. He said he needed a bit of time to think and we agreed to revisit the topic in March.
I reminded him that if I was cutting my schedule already to be home with Leif after school that it would give me more time to be home at the end of the day with a baby. I reminded him that it was really our last ditch effort to have a child before I turn 40... time is limited, in another 6-9 months we may need to declare ourselves a family of four because of my age. I reminded him that I (in theory) will be in between projects when the baby would be due.
I reitterated to him that I wanted him fully on board, not to be pressured by me. I would deal.
"No," he told me. "If you want it, I want you to have what you want."
I suggested we could put it in God's hands and he countered that he would rather be actively trying than leaving it up in the air.
So here we are.
March 2011. Our first month back "trying".
Wish us luck!
