Today starts month 10 of trying. 10. Double digits.
Truly I didn't think I would be here. And then of course I thought FOR SURE it would be this month.
It is amazing how I can get my hopes up every single month.
This is the first month that AB has really been questioning his resolve to continue this path of trying for another. He said to me the other day, "do you realize that means we would be 58 when this child would graduate?"
And how old will we be in 18 years if we don't have a child? 58.
I have the resolve, I think, to keep on through the end of the calendar year. Though I have to admit that the coincidence of that timing with my 40th birthday could be a bit trying. I guess I keep thinking that as long as I have little bitty ones I am not old, right?
And my youngest isn't so bitty anymore. She talks back. That's not bitty.
I am trying to wrap my head around the notion of getting rid of the baby clothes. And baby stuff. While the thought of all that extra storage space is appealing, I just cannot wrap my head around parting with it.
Because cycle 10 is the lucky one!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Month 8
Hmm, so I guess this would be month 8 then...
Yeah nothing on that front.
I told a friend of mine who visited 2 weeks ago that the longer this drags out the less concerned I am with adding to the family as opposed to with my first, when I became more paranoid with each passing month. I guess as the kids both get more independent (i.e., I am sitting here on the computer, Leif is playing Wii, Skadi is watching a movie) it is more of a lifestyle I am willing to stick with.
Then I see the itty bitty-ness of cute babies and thing again.
I want a baby. I want to add another little person to our family. I am not ready to kiss goodbye to the little clothes, the nursing, even the sleepless nights and money dedicated to daycare bills.
But if it isn't meant to be then I am ok.
Really. I am.
I think.
Yeah nothing on that front.
I told a friend of mine who visited 2 weeks ago that the longer this drags out the less concerned I am with adding to the family as opposed to with my first, when I became more paranoid with each passing month. I guess as the kids both get more independent (i.e., I am sitting here on the computer, Leif is playing Wii, Skadi is watching a movie) it is more of a lifestyle I am willing to stick with.
Then I see the itty bitty-ness of cute babies and thing again.
I want a baby. I want to add another little person to our family. I am not ready to kiss goodbye to the little clothes, the nursing, even the sleepless nights and money dedicated to daycare bills.
But if it isn't meant to be then I am ok.
Really. I am.
I think.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Chemical Pregnancy
5 months of trying finally resulted in a positive pregnancy test (confirmed by my husband) on the day my period was due, followed up the next day by a faintly positive pregnancy test. On the third day, a negative pregnancy test. The next day, my period arrived, three days late.
The term for this phenomenon is "chemical pregnancy". A positive pregnancy test early in the pregnancy with the period arriving shortly thereafter.
I am fine. AB asked me a few times if I am fine. I only had 2 days of thinking I was pregnant and wondering how I was going to explain not drinking next weekend at the cabin with family.
Onto cycle 6. I am wondering how long we will go at this. I truly am fine with what God gives us. And I worry a bit about being pregnant again. Wonder if I am not getting too old for this? But I do so want the end result - a snuggly little baby wrapped in the receiving blanket in my arms.
We will see.
The term for this phenomenon is "chemical pregnancy". A positive pregnancy test early in the pregnancy with the period arriving shortly thereafter.
I am fine. AB asked me a few times if I am fine. I only had 2 days of thinking I was pregnant and wondering how I was going to explain not drinking next weekend at the cabin with family.
Onto cycle 6. I am wondering how long we will go at this. I truly am fine with what God gives us. And I worry a bit about being pregnant again. Wonder if I am not getting too old for this? But I do so want the end result - a snuggly little baby wrapped in the receiving blanket in my arms.
We will see.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Five Months
Moving onto month 5. Yep, month 5. I have to admit that at this point my belief that we will actually conceive another child is wavering.
The past month or so I have also been questioning whether this path is the *right* one. Things are pretty good right now. Everyone is sleeping (most of the time). We don’t have a lot of illnesses. A good friend of mine has twin 5 month old daughters and it seems that every week one of them is sick and he and his wife are balancing their schedules. And I ask myself if I really want to go back to that. Life is awfully nice right now where everyone speaks the same language and can convey their needs.
And then something switches.
Last week I took Leif to the doctor’s office. We walked in and he held out his hand for my phone to play Battleship while we waited instead of wandering over to the kid’s corner with the big plastic toys.
“Don’t you want to go play with the toys?” I ask. (I am in denial that age 7 is happening this summer.)
He rolls his eyes at me.
“Please, phone mom?” he replies.
I hand it over.
Then I look around instead of picking up a magazine. Babies everywhere. Helpless little cute bundles of joy snuggling with moms. Everywhere.
(I ignored the rambunctious, uncontrollable 18 month old in the kids toys.)
Yep, still on this path.
AB and I talked about it a little last night. We talked about at what point do we accept what God has given us and go forward with a family of four? Maybe the end of the summer. Maybe our 40th birthdays. I don’t have an answer to that. I know it isn’t going to just keep going on. I will reach a point where I am not wanting
The past month or so I have also been questioning whether this path is the *right* one. Things are pretty good right now. Everyone is sleeping (most of the time). We don’t have a lot of illnesses. A good friend of mine has twin 5 month old daughters and it seems that every week one of them is sick and he and his wife are balancing their schedules. And I ask myself if I really want to go back to that. Life is awfully nice right now where everyone speaks the same language and can convey their needs.
And then something switches.
Last week I took Leif to the doctor’s office. We walked in and he held out his hand for my phone to play Battleship while we waited instead of wandering over to the kid’s corner with the big plastic toys.
“Don’t you want to go play with the toys?” I ask. (I am in denial that age 7 is happening this summer.)
He rolls his eyes at me.
“Please, phone mom?” he replies.
I hand it over.
Then I look around instead of picking up a magazine. Babies everywhere. Helpless little cute bundles of joy snuggling with moms. Everywhere.
(I ignored the rambunctious, uncontrollable 18 month old in the kids toys.)
Yep, still on this path.
AB and I talked about it a little last night. We talked about at what point do we accept what God has given us and go forward with a family of four? Maybe the end of the summer. Maybe our 40th birthdays. I don’t have an answer to that. I know it isn’t going to just keep going on. I will reach a point where I am not wanting
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Onto Cycle Two!
It is amazing how a bit of a stomach bug can have you absolutely convinced that it happened. And mentally I kept telling myself that I wasn’t even late, the hcg test was negative, how could it be morning sickness? But emotions can really get the better of plain sanity. Promising myself not to let go of the sanity aspect this cycle… Not to mention that in the last week the crappola really hit the fan at work and my stress level has skyrocketed. I keep reminding myself that I am glad to not be dealing with the work crap AND the early stages of a pregnancy. Get through the work crap this week and refocus. I got to reading on the internet last cycle (not a good thing) about how our ability to actually get pregnant starts declining rapidly at about my age – 39. The chances of getting pregnant during any one cycle was around 1:3 when we were conceiving Leif and now they are about 1:20. Not to mention the increased risk of miscarriage and chromosomal issues as we go along. Gulp. I loaded up on the OPK’s this time around. Onto cycle #2!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
A Difficult Decision
AB and I always envisioned having at least three kids. There were times I suggested four, and times (after arguing with his siblings) he pushed to two. But we always kind of settled on three in the end.
Our first two kids arrived reasonably within the set out plan. It took about 13 months to conceive Leif. I was somewhat lucky in that journey - I didn't suffer miscarriages like some of my friends did. And I had a supportive doctor who helped us negotiate the path. About the point we were ready to give in to the next step to conception, the stick turned pink. I was pregnant and we were ecstatic and very nervous.
When Leif was 2.5 years old we knew that if we wanted to stick to the plan to have three we needed to keep going. And we wanted to keep going. Leif was running and I was ready for a baby to snuggle. Two months after making the decision to start trying again the stick turned pink. I was no longer terribly nervous. I had been through this once before and I was too busy with my little boy to be terribly nervous. It was old hat!
Our plan had been to give it another 2.5 years and go for #3. Then real life set in.
Skadi was a difficult baby who just recently (knock on wood) started sleeping through the night consistently. She has pushed us and challenged us. And everyone experienced around us who knows her well told us, "it's just her personality". Nothing is wrong with her. But she is forever going to be pushing the limits. One of the doctor's I asked for advice from reminded me, "I would rather have a boisterous little girl who stands up for herself then a shrinking violet". True.
Still the sleepless night and her trying temperment caused us to put off, just for a little bit until things get better, trying for a third.
Then my mom was stricken with cancer. As her health continued to decline I knew that I could not face a pregnancy and bringing a baby into the world when my tears dominated my life.
Then my mom passed away from cancer. I still couldn't face the prospect of a baby. Skadi was full on in her terrible threes. And we were at that date that AB and I had said we needed to be trying if we wanted our three children. Our three children that we had bought a new car to hold and a new house to fill.
Slowly over the past few months things have changed a bit.
I remember my mom always being so happy knowing that we wanted three children. She told me that one of her regrets was only having two kids. I used to joke - years ago - that she was young enough to have another. She would look at me and roll her eyes and tell me she was saving her energy for lots of grandchildren.
Another aspect that has been tough for me to reconcile is the notion that my mom passed away at a young age and there is a chance that the same could happen to me. They don't know what causes the cancer my mom has, but there are a few incidences out there where genetics has played a part. Is genetics a factor? Will I fall the same fate? Would I pass it on to my children? Would they suffer loss? Or death to cancer?
These are tough thoughts to think about as a mom with already two children.
AB kept reminding me that people are living longer and longer, a lot of strides are being made in cancer research and truly, you just never know. Something could happen to us tomorrow.
A good friend of mine told me his wife was pregnant with twins a few weeks after my mom passed away. I loved the weekly reports on how she was doing. I did my best to support him when she had complications. I like to think I was there for him to lean on. Then the day his two daughters were born very prematurely in December I sobbed with joy and loaded them up with food and whatever baby supplies I could pawn off on them. Seeing the joy, despite the exhaustion, in his eyes is fantastic.
Slowly I began to think about the options. We DID want three... my mom would want us to have three regardless of her being physically present... I believe she is spiritually present and whispering in my ear that it will be ok...
I finally admitted to AB last month that I was leaning this way. He said he needed a bit of time to think and we agreed to revisit the topic in March.
I reminded him that if I was cutting my schedule already to be home with Leif after school that it would give me more time to be home at the end of the day with a baby. I reminded him that it was really our last ditch effort to have a child before I turn 40... time is limited, in another 6-9 months we may need to declare ourselves a family of four because of my age. I reminded him that I (in theory) will be in between projects when the baby would be due.
I reitterated to him that I wanted him fully on board, not to be pressured by me. I would deal.
"No," he told me. "If you want it, I want you to have what you want."
I suggested we could put it in God's hands and he countered that he would rather be actively trying than leaving it up in the air.
So here we are.
March 2011. Our first month back "trying".
Wish us luck!
Our first two kids arrived reasonably within the set out plan. It took about 13 months to conceive Leif. I was somewhat lucky in that journey - I didn't suffer miscarriages like some of my friends did. And I had a supportive doctor who helped us negotiate the path. About the point we were ready to give in to the next step to conception, the stick turned pink. I was pregnant and we were ecstatic and very nervous.
When Leif was 2.5 years old we knew that if we wanted to stick to the plan to have three we needed to keep going. And we wanted to keep going. Leif was running and I was ready for a baby to snuggle. Two months after making the decision to start trying again the stick turned pink. I was no longer terribly nervous. I had been through this once before and I was too busy with my little boy to be terribly nervous. It was old hat!
Our plan had been to give it another 2.5 years and go for #3. Then real life set in.
Skadi was a difficult baby who just recently (knock on wood) started sleeping through the night consistently. She has pushed us and challenged us. And everyone experienced around us who knows her well told us, "it's just her personality". Nothing is wrong with her. But she is forever going to be pushing the limits. One of the doctor's I asked for advice from reminded me, "I would rather have a boisterous little girl who stands up for herself then a shrinking violet". True.
Still the sleepless night and her trying temperment caused us to put off, just for a little bit until things get better, trying for a third.
Then my mom was stricken with cancer. As her health continued to decline I knew that I could not face a pregnancy and bringing a baby into the world when my tears dominated my life.
Then my mom passed away from cancer. I still couldn't face the prospect of a baby. Skadi was full on in her terrible threes. And we were at that date that AB and I had said we needed to be trying if we wanted our three children. Our three children that we had bought a new car to hold and a new house to fill.
Slowly over the past few months things have changed a bit.
I remember my mom always being so happy knowing that we wanted three children. She told me that one of her regrets was only having two kids. I used to joke - years ago - that she was young enough to have another. She would look at me and roll her eyes and tell me she was saving her energy for lots of grandchildren.
Another aspect that has been tough for me to reconcile is the notion that my mom passed away at a young age and there is a chance that the same could happen to me. They don't know what causes the cancer my mom has, but there are a few incidences out there where genetics has played a part. Is genetics a factor? Will I fall the same fate? Would I pass it on to my children? Would they suffer loss? Or death to cancer?
These are tough thoughts to think about as a mom with already two children.
AB kept reminding me that people are living longer and longer, a lot of strides are being made in cancer research and truly, you just never know. Something could happen to us tomorrow.
A good friend of mine told me his wife was pregnant with twins a few weeks after my mom passed away. I loved the weekly reports on how she was doing. I did my best to support him when she had complications. I like to think I was there for him to lean on. Then the day his two daughters were born very prematurely in December I sobbed with joy and loaded them up with food and whatever baby supplies I could pawn off on them. Seeing the joy, despite the exhaustion, in his eyes is fantastic.
Slowly I began to think about the options. We DID want three... my mom would want us to have three regardless of her being physically present... I believe she is spiritually present and whispering in my ear that it will be ok...
I finally admitted to AB last month that I was leaning this way. He said he needed a bit of time to think and we agreed to revisit the topic in March.
I reminded him that if I was cutting my schedule already to be home with Leif after school that it would give me more time to be home at the end of the day with a baby. I reminded him that it was really our last ditch effort to have a child before I turn 40... time is limited, in another 6-9 months we may need to declare ourselves a family of four because of my age. I reminded him that I (in theory) will be in between projects when the baby would be due.
I reitterated to him that I wanted him fully on board, not to be pressured by me. I would deal.
"No," he told me. "If you want it, I want you to have what you want."
I suggested we could put it in God's hands and he countered that he would rather be actively trying than leaving it up in the air.
So here we are.
March 2011. Our first month back "trying".
Wish us luck!
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